Home Run
by staceleo
Summary: They met in Curve Ball. They caused trouble in Grand Slam. They are up to more mischief in Home Run. Why a trilogy? Insomnia.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: They met in Curve Ball. They caused trouble in Grand Slam. They are up to more mischief in Home Run. Why a trilogy? Insomnia.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 1

"It looks like a dildo," I tried to helpfully point out.

Dr. Mallory almost dropped the wand apparatus she was going to use for my internal exam.

My kid was as red as a ripe tomato.

"Would alien probe be more appropriate?" I would hate to offend.

"Miss Swan—" Dr. Mallory began. I ignored her.

These stirrups were uncomfortable and using oven mitts covered with Snoopys on the footrest was an odd choice to make them not so hard. It also seemed inappropriate that Snoopy was now staring up my vagina.

"I'm sure you have one, Doc."

"A what?" She asked. I think this exam made her want to pull out her salt and pepper hair. It was in a tight bun, so she might have a problem with that.

"A special vibrating friend, most likely shaped like a rabbit." Most women had them at her advanced age. They went to parties called things like, Passionate Past Times or Romantic Rendezvous. They catered to those times you want to be romantic with your own damn self.

I wouldn't know about such things, because I had my kid and he was pretty much available when I snapped my fingers. Kid also vibrates when you make him sit on the washing machine. He's like a living, breathing amusement park ride.

"I was talking about prenatal vitamins," she stated looking at me like I had escaped from the mental hospital.

"My father prescribed her some," Kid told her. He looked like he wanted to crawl under his chair to hide. He held my hand with his, but I think he would rather place it over my mouth.

I grimaced at the thought. "Prescribe something better. The man is trying to make me choke on those horse pills he gave me. Do I look like a farmyard animal?"

I think she tried to stifle a grin.

That's when she took a plastic bottle and squeezed a glop of sticky gel on the end of her wand. I couldn't stop giggling.

"Is that flavored?" I blurted out.

Kid hid his face in his hands. My poor embarrassed monkey.

The doctor let out a chuckle.

Then it occurred to me. The spawn was controlling me and making me act irrationally. I had pregnancy Tourette's or my baby was an alien. It was going to come out green with tentacles.

"This will be a little cold," the doctor explained. That's when she pushed it in.

She just inserted a popsicle in my vagina.

"You could have bought me dinner first," I complained.

Kid was going to run out of the room in embarrassment.

The room filled with a steady beat. The doctor smiled. "Somebody has a strong heart."

My man kissed me on my forehead and stared at the screen. It was filled with odd shapes. "Just like her mama."

"He's sweet, but lies. My heart is black." I kissed his hand and added, "It's probably a dude."

"We have awhile until we find out," Doc pointed out. She pointed at a blob. "There's your baby."

Kid's eyes became misty. "Hi baby, I'm your daddy. I love you."

He was simply adorable in a saccharine sweet way that hurt my teeth, but I love anyway.

I patted my belly and the thing wiggled. It knew me. "Nice to see you, Alien Baby. We cool?"

It wiggled.

"Mommy loves you too!" Kid exclaimed.

"I was going to say that. Nice way to steal my thunder," I grumbled. "Love you, Alien Baby."

I really, really did.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks for reading, everybody!**

Chapter 2

"You could have sprung for first class, Cullen," James Taylor complained. "Aren't you Cullen's like Midas and turn shit into gold?"

I wish Kid could turn James Taylor to gold. It would be the only way to get that loud mouth to shut the hell up.

"I wonder what would happen if I cram this magazine in his mouth? Do you think I'll get kicked off the plane?" I started to roll up a _US Weekly_. I had no issues with stuffing the Miley Cyrus cover in his flapping lips.

"It's so cramped!" James Taylor kept whining, as Boobs rubbed his neck. "This is hell!"

Kid groaned. "I'm tempted to let you use my sweatshirt to gag him."

"Why did we invite him again?" I eyed James Taylor, as he started badgering the poor Flight Attendant for another limp pillow.

"Angela."

Right. Boobs wanted to be a bridesmaid. I didn't care. I just wanted all-night buffet.

We left the parents at home. They got their fancy unofficial wedding, but now we were getting our official Elvis officiated ceremony. I was pretty certain that after my knocked up status and Alice's state of Cheech instigated undress, the adults were glad to be rid of us.

We had our assorted gang of misfits on this flying machine. Tanya and Heidi were cuddled under a blanket doing debauchery of some sort. Katie and Teeth were sharing an iPod looking sickeningly lovable. My Yale buddies Chelsea and Diego were squabbling over a package of peanuts. Dictator was already asleep on Cheech. Pete glared at them from his seat.

That brought us to Giant and Trailer. He was whispering loudly about the plane being taken apart by Gremlins and looking a minute away from a full on panic attack. Trailer was nursing her huge gargoyle baby under a scratchy plane blanket. I was pleased to observe that the baby was, however, slowly moving away from blob to a somewhat child like creature.

An older man, all frizzy gray poof ball hair and ugly plaid shirt, sat across the aisle from my friends and complained, "That's disgusting! Feed your child with a bottle like a responsible adult. That baby is going to be a pervert!"

Oh no, he didn't.

I normally would let Giant defend his woman and their child's honors, but he was too busy staring out the window in a paranoid fashion muttering about out impending doom by creatures on the wings of the plane. He need to stop watching old _Twilight Zones_ on late night television.

I stood and walked over to the man. I only needed one word. "Stop."

"Young lady, you need to get back—" His face was really hideous and blotchy. It seemed to mirror his insides.

Maybe two words were necessary.

"Now."

"Listen—" He tried again to dismiss me.

"No."

He was making me waste energy I was planning on using to sleep on my kid.

"It's okay, Bella," Trailer reassured me. "She's almost finished. Sir, I'm in my right to feed my child on the plane. We are fully covered, so you really have no need to comment."

Good girl, Trailer.

"That sucking noise is distracting me from my sudoku!" He waved a book and pencil in the air.

Nerd.

"Stop." I repeated and waved our haggard flight attendant over. Her dark hair falling out of her bun. She stared at me with tired eyes. "This man is harassing my friend and her child."

The attendant turned to him and snapped, "Stop!"

The man blustered, "I paid good money to take this flight and I shouldn't be subjected to watching this woman's breasts be used as food."

Umm. I pointed out, "That's their purpose, asshole."

It just came out and the flight attendant gave me a smile. She turned to Trailer with a smile. "We have some empty seats in first class, Miss. Would you and the baby like to move up there?"

"Is there room for Bella? She's pregnant and doesn't need the stress." Trailer gave me a big smile. I was quite fond of her. She grew on me like algae.

"That would be cool. Is there food? Alien is hungry."

The man roared, "What about me?"

"Shut up or I get you banned from the airlines." She smiled a sickly, sweet smile at him.

I liked her and I don't easily like anybody. She should get a raise.

James Taylor made a face that was uglier than his normal one. "What about me?"

I looked at flight attendant and together we said, "Shut up."

My kid took my hand. "Bella, I thought we could visit a certain quiet and private area in the plane."

He was obsessed doing the mile high club.

"You mean where you threw up about ten minutes ago? I really don't find that very romantic." I looked at the flight attendant. "Do you have pickles up there?"

Kid turned a nasty shade of white and ran towards the bathroom with his hands plastered to his mouth.

How sweet of him to have the morning sickness for me now.

"Oh my God! Are the wings falling off?" Giant let out a feminine shriek.

This was a trip for the memory books.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey.**

Chapter 3

Elvis was in the house this night, as the stars were barely seen due to the bright lights of the Vegas Strip.

It was a little chapel that was near the casino we were calling home for the next couple of days. The paint was starting to flake off the outside and some of the florescent letters on the sign were unlit.

The Little Chapel of Love was now Th Lile Chapl of Lve.

"Maybe we should find somewhere else?" Kid suggested, eyeing the cigarette butts that littered the ground.

I looked down at the little, white dress I was crammed into and the matching heels of death. My sweatshirt and comfy pants needed to be close, so I could quickly change and get to the buffet. "This place is good."

"You have a bump." Tanya pointed out.

"So?"

"You can see it with that dress."

"So?"

"You want to change before the wedding?"

"To sweatpants?"

"No. Maybe a more flattering cut of dress for your wedding?" Tanya was a broken record.

I poked my belly. "I don't care. It's only going to get bigger."

Spawns grow. Tanya should know this. She watched Trailer's ballooning midsection get massive with the gargoyle baby.

Kid pulled me close. "My Bella looks beautiful!"

"What's with the touching?" I asked as we went inside.

"We're getting married tonight!"

"Fine," I huffed and relaxed my body against his. "Don't get used to it. Whoa."

This place was where Elvis memorabilia went for it's final resting place, as _Love Me Tender_ was piped in over a pair of decrepit speakers from the late seventies.

The shag carpeting was a burnt pumpkin orange and the walls a coffee colored hue. There were mannequins wearing Elvis clothing knock-offs complete with tags. Posters hung off the walls that had small rips along the edges and there was a display case full of Elvis wedding souvenirs.

"I really want the bear with the gyrating Elvis tee-shirt shirt for the spawn. It needs a souvenir of it's first vacation." I was already maternal and buying the child random junk to clutter the house with.

Giant stared in awe at the case. "Babe, can I have the Elvis beer steins?"

"I don't care." She was bouncing that Godzilla baby up and down in the Baby Bjorn.

"Maybe we should get married too, Jazz?" Dictator gave Cheech a mushy smile.

"No!" Kid yelled. "I'll call Dad!"

Kate looked at her watch. "Can we get this show on the road? I want to catch Cirque du Soleil's late show."

A elderly woman with a Pricilla Presley bouffant sat at the front desk wearing an bright magenta track suit. It looked comfy and clashed with the decor. "You here to get hitched?"

"Yes! My angel and I are her to seal our love!" Kid cooed.

I added, "The spawn will be a bastard if we don't."

She shrugged and handed Kid a clipboard. "Fill this out. Do you want the picture package and commemorative CD of Elvis's greatest hits?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, before my appalled fiancé could say no.

Teeth handed her his credit card. "My treat for you two. A wedding gift!"

That was very cool. What wasn't cool was—

"Isabella Marie! How did you know Mommy was getting married?"

I turned to my mother running awkwardly towards me with a white and gray leopard printed dress. It was so tight, I was shocked she could breathe.

"Umm—"  
Behind her was a dark haired man wearing gold chains around his neck and a brown leisure suit. He wore sunglasses at night. Oh my God.

"Who told you? This is wonderful!" My mother clapped happily.

"I'm getting married to Edward, Renee." I nodded towards my kid. "Where's Phil?"

"It didn't work out. This is your new daddy, Royce." she explained. Phil probably had enough of her crazy. Smart man. She had red lipstick on her teeth. It could be seen even clearer with the shocked look on her face. "Are you pregnant?"

"Yup."

"Isabella Marie! What did you do?"

"I had sex, silly Renee. Would you like me to draw you a picture?" Did she need a birds and bees lesson?

"I can't be a grandmother! I'm pregnant!" She screamed.

Shouldn't those ovaries be dried out by now? Closed for business? That vagina is ancient.

"Uh huh, you here for the the wedding?" An obese Elvis waddled out. His white velour suit was decked out in plastic rhinestones and his black wig crooked on his head.

I guessing they were going with old Elvis.

_Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog_ came on.

"You go first, Mommy. It's your theme song," I offered.

What a night.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hi.**

Chapter 4

"You aren't showing yet." Renee stated as she poked me in the stomach. "You can still get rid of it."

"No." I poked Renee in her forehead. "Can I get rid of you?"

I glared at her. She glared back at me.

Our audience watched silently, but I could see my kid fuming next to me. He might try and kill my mother. I was tempted to let him, but he was far too pretty for jail. Some big guy nicknamed Tiny would make Kid his lady immediately.

Kid wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my stomach. "Don't you dare make my baby sound expendable! We love our child!"

Kid was incredibly sexy when he was in protective dad mode.

"Edward, you're a handsome boy. You don't need to settle." She was eyeing him like a piece of meat and licked her lips. She was a terrible person. Renee folded her arms and regarded me again. "I'm not ready to be a grandmother."

James Taylor looked up from Elvis book he was flipping through. "You _look_ like one."

I sat at on an old couch that smelled like provolone, pulling Kid down with me. He was like my security blanket. I was getting tired. "Could you just get married then leave with your man and your embryo."

"That's your sister or brother!" My mother screeched.

I sat and looked at this woman. Renee was never around when I was young. There were no hugs and kisses. I dealt with it. Bedtime routines were done by myself without any stories to lull me to sleep. I made up my own. I was very adept at fixing my own cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If there was a word to describe me it would most likely be independent. I didn't want my baby to become independent like I did by necessity. I wanted it to gain it by the support of Edward and I.

I mean Kid. Shit. I was going soft.

I owed Renee nothing, except for my mocking.

"I'm not taking care of it." I pointed to my mother's midsection. "That fetus is all yours to mess up. I'll be actually mothering mine."

My mother just smiled. "This baby will be the fantastic combination of my Roy-Poopy and I."

That was disturbing.

Elvis was looking constipated in the doorway to the chapel. "We doing this?"

"Hold up a minute, Rhinestone Cowboy." I held up my hand at fat Elvis and narrowed my eyes at my mother. "Don't you dare drop that thing off to Charlie."

"Roy-Poopy and I will be just fine with our little wuv luv!" Her nicknames were making me ill. She looked offended for a moment, but I must have given her an idea. "Charles would love to help!"

Umm, no and never.

The giant wrapped his arm around my mother. "Listen Bella's mommy, we need to get Ed and Bella married quickly. I'm a hungry man and I need some pasta from the casino's buffet."

My stomach growled at his words. The spawn and I were famished.

"Yes! I need food!" I agreed. The giant had moments of wisdom.

Renee started squeezing Giant's muscles. "Emmett? I remember when you were a little thing. You've becoming such a big, strong man!"

My mother was salivating. Yup, she was a slut. Thank God, I take after Chief Charlie.

Trailer walked up and pulled Giant away by his ear with the gargoyle baby gurgling happily in the harness. She hissed at dear, old mom, "Stay away from my husband!"

"What is it with you babies having babies?" My mother scoffed.

I looked at an irate Trailer. Her parents were only a step up from Renee in parenting skills. I shrugged and pointed out, "Trying to do a hell of a lot better than you did, Mommy Dearest."

I needed her out of here. My new daddy was drinking from a flask and ogling Katie. I think she was close to punching him in the face.

Kid whispered, "Let's forget the stand-off, Bella. She's a monster and I don't want her stressing you out. We can go somewhere else. I don't care where as long as I have you in my life forever."

He pressed his lips to my forehead and let them linger. Maybe, he was right. Just leave and get away from Renee. This wasn't a battle that I needed to win, I just could go and—

"You aren't pregnant," Tanya stated with a bored look at my mother. "That's called major fat deposits and menopause."

"How dare you!" Renee yelled, but there was a look in her eyes. She was a liar who was lying right this minute.

Royce stopped checking out Kate to look at Tanya. He looked like the rusted wheels in his brain were slowly turning.

Tanya rolled her eyes. "Did you even see a pregnancy test?"

"No," he admitted.

"Then you're a dumb ass and I'm bored," she stated. Taking Heidi's hand, she added, "We'll be in the ladies room. No one come in for ten minutes."

She was a dirty girl, but a surprisingly loyal and perceptive friend.

"We need to get a pregnancy test thing now, Renee!" Royce yelled.

She looked like a deer in headlights. "But. . . I. . . Don't have to pee!"

"I'll grab you a Slurpee when we pick up the test!" All of a sudden, his face became happy. "I might not have to marry you! This is fucking great!"

This was fantastic! This was the wedding entertainment!

He started stomping out the door and my mother rushed towards him. "Baby! Please!"

Dictator held up her phone. "I can't wait to send this video to Mom!"

It was pretty hilarious. I requested, "Can we get a copy for Chief Charlie?"

My mother turned around and yelled, "This is all your fault, Isabella!"

"I love you too, Mommy." I gave her a little wave and blew her a kiss.

She made another horrible grimace at me and rushed out the door.

I smiled at my kid. "Ready to do this?"

"Always!"

He kissed me and we followed Elvis and his wide ass into the chapel. It was wedding time.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I had a little writer's block. I think I'm back in gear. Thanks for reading.**

Chapter 5

Elvis's fat jiggled when he spoke.

I just stared at his wiggly, jiggly midsection. I wondered if it was actually alive.

Jiggle and more jiggle.

Kid squeezed my hand. "He asked you a question, Bella."

"Who?" I looked around at our bored wedding party.

"The minister!" He exclaimed. "I know you're upset about your mom, but—"

"It's like he's made out of jello and tapioca pudding," I said in awe. "Laugh, Elvis!"

Elvis's wig was falling off and he pushed it back on with a huff. In a very, not Elvis like voice he stated, "Your vows?"

"Do you eat peanut butter and fried chicken sandwiches?"

"No." Elvis was annoyed. "Your vows?"

Elvis's rhinestones moved along with his buoyant belly. It was dazzling. "How many calories per day? Do you eat the whole cow?"

James Taylor was hysterically laughing behind us, as Kate stomped up behind me.

"Isabella Marie Swan—" she began.

"Cullen!" Kid exclaimed.

"Chill out, Edward. You're still about ten minutes or less from giving her that new title." Her hands went onto her hips. "Garrett and I have tickets to see the most wondrous show in Vegas. I refuse to miss it. Marry Edward now!"

Okay. Obviously, no drugs makes Kate demanding.

"Fine. Kid, it's been interesting—"

Dictator yelled at me, "It's your wedding! Call him Edward!"

Ugh, she was so demanding. Cheech just stared at her with his blank expression.

"Fine. Edward, thanks for my parrot. Annie Oakley is better than humans. This includes the ones here. I guess you rank higher than my bird. That's good." I hated emotions. "I should add something about being knocked up. I'm glad my dad didn't shoot you. I would miss your face. Thanks for making me macaroni and cheese from the box. The Kraft kind with all the butter and not the overpriced organic stuff. I guess I will be supporting you and the spawn. That's works. I'm done."

There was silence. I wasn't expecting applause, but maybe some finger snapping.

"You forgot something," Kid pointed out with a pout.

"What? Thanks for sex?"

He knew I was bad with speeches. I was horrible with emotions. My stomach was growling and I needed to feed the spawn. What did he expect from me? Poetry? Gross.

"You forgot to say you love me." More pouting.

Kid should have been wearing the dress. He was cute when he was expressing his feminine side, which was almost always.

I sighed. The things I have to do to keep him happy. "I love you."

He beamed.

I added, "Your turn."

"I love you!" He exclaimed.

"No. Your vows."

He looked at me in confusion. "I already said them!"

Oh shit. I had been distracted by Elvis's sparkles dancing on his jumpsuit.

Kid continued, "You missed my vows again!"

"I love you."

"Bella—"

I was in so much trouble. "I love you, my king!"

"You are the sweetest love of my life!" He kissed me.

It was so very easy to distract him.

Kate sighed. "I taped it. Again."

Elvis threw his arms in the air. "Should you two be getting married?"

"Yes!" We both exclaimed happily.

He pushed up his rhinestone encrusted sunglasses. They were slipping off the sweat from his nose. They really needed air conditioning in this chapel dedicated to the King of Rock and Roll.

"Girly Boy, do you take the scary, mean girl to be your old lady? Uh huh." Elvis asked.

Kid smiled. "Of course! She's my angel! My goddess! My vision of per—"

"Mean Girl, do you take Girly Boy to be your old man? Uh huh."

"Sure." Why not?

We already had our rings on. Cut down on the ceremony time.

"Your pictures and commemorative wedding souvenirs are at the front desk," he added. "Go ahead and kiss her."

Kid laid one on me that was passionate, but with a little too much tongue. I was hungry for food, not Kid. I really think he thought I was going to put out. Silly kid.

Our friends sort of slow clapped and there were a few yawns.

I looked at Elvis. He looked famished.

I pointed to him. "Hey Fake Presley, we're having a wedding reception next door at the Twilight Buffet. You in?"

"You paying?" He looked at me skeptically.

"Yup. I think I can get the senior citizen discount for you." I think he just made the age requirement.

Elvis shrugged. "I can eat."

Kid pulled me close. "Thank you for becoming my wife."

"You're welcome."

I was officially Mrs. Isabella Swan-Cullen. Well I'll be damned.

Edward would be Cullen-Swan by next month. I guarantee it.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I was snuggled into Kid's arms as we reclined in the comfy bed of the hotel. It was like sleeping on clouds. He was feeding me potato chips.

This might be close to heaven.

Of course, it had to be ruined by that pesky feeling of guilt.

"I need to. . . You know—" I started choking on the words. "Apolo. . . Sorry!"

He rubbed my head like a dog. Humph. "Sorry for what, Sweetheart?"

"For when I smother you in your sleep for calling me, 'Sweetheart'," I stated with a glare. "I joke."

I sort of smiled and he cracked up laughing. "Thanks for the apology first before my untimely demise."

I hugged him, as he continued to chuckle. I swallowed my pride to say, "Edward, I'm sorry about screwing up our wedding."

"You said my given name. This must be serious." He sat up on his elbows to look me in the eye. "Isabella Marie Swan-Cullen, don't you think I know how you operate by now?"

I scoffed, "I'm an enigma like the mysteries of the deep ocean and the creation of the pyramids."

"Not really." He kissed me. "I have pretty much figured you out. If your ticks haven't scared me away yet, they never will."

"I'm a weirdo, Edward." He had to know for sure what he impregnated.

"I'm absolutely certain that you are the most amazing weirdo ever, wife." He pulled me back down onto his chest. "Stop calling me by my name. It's creeping me out."

I looked at my kid. He knew me better than anyone else, including Chief Charlie. It was horrifying, but I loved it. I remember seeing him standing in the baseball field in his Forks High School uniform chatting to Teeth about boy stuff. He would look over to me and smile. It would be so easy to hate him for annoying me and I just couldn't. I reluctantly wanted his smiles. He drove me crazy like no one else. It was the oddest feeling to like it.

"I love you more than Annie Oakley. You know that, right?" I stared at him then up at the ceiling.

He turned my face back to his. "I do."

"I'll probably love the spawn more than anything else. The alien is a piece of me," I admitted.

"I wouldn't expect anything else." He kissed my forehead. "I love that."

"Annie Oakley is still my feathery child."

"Mine too." Kid pulled me even closer. "She takes after you."

Kid used to walk through the hallways with a smile on his face so bright that it made the sun dimmer in comparison. He greeted everyone with kindness. I envied his ease of being friendly with everyone some days. It was refreshing. Not enough to try it myself, but it looked good on him.

"I only cared about Chief Charlie and animals before you. It's a pretty big thing for me to let people in. I was certain I was going to be a bitter, cat lady before you."

"If I was eighty and met your angry, cat loving self at bingo, I would still pursue you. I would invite you to the early bird special for Salisbury Steak at a diner." He kissed my wrist.

"That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

Kid nodded. "Food has always been a way into your heart."

"As long as there's mashed potatoes," I added. Then it occurred to me. "I'm not good at admitting my feelings in front of people. It's hard enough by myself in front of a mirror."

"I realized that."

I continued, "Also, Elvis's rhinestones distracted me from hearing your vows."

"I know how you are with shiny things. It's like you're a bowerbird." Kid smiled. "There's a video of me saying how much I love you. I talked about how when I first saw you I was drawn by the way you weren't concerned with what others thought. How you were the most beautiful thing I ever saw, only you didn't know it. That you displayed infinite kindness to others, but took no credit. The story about the day you saved the caterpillar."

"What?"

"You saved a caterpillar the day I first met you. You had just walked across the parking lot for the first time and stopped traffic. The new girl who stopped the school buses, cars and random motorcycles to rescue a tiny caterpillar and move it to a tree. I knew I had to meet you and that one day you'd be my bride."

I looked at Kid like he was insane. "I have no recollection of that at all. Good thing you're cute, Stalker."

"I didn't think you would, Bella." He rolled us over and stroked my face. "I love you."

"I love you." I really did.

All of a sudden I felt it. A rush so intense it made me woozy. "Edward, get off."

"Oh, my Bella!" He said huskily. He kissed my neck and his hands traveled down my body. It tickled. This was bad.

I started banging on his back. "Move, Cullen!"

Kid scrambled up in a panic. "What's wrong? Is it the baby?"

"I have to pee!"

Romance and pregnancy it seems weren't always compatible.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I was having a hard time with this one. I apologize for the wait.**

Chapter 7

The house smelled like urine. It made my nostrils burn.

I should have guessed it was going to bad by the overgrown yard where all the cats were stalking through the tall grass and faded, garden gnomes.

"Girl, my grandmother is one mean, old lady. She beats people with her walker. Not only family, but the mailman and the guy who sells hot dogs by town hall!" Jacob looked frightened to go into his own grandmother's house. "Look at your future, Bella."

We stood in the entryway and if Jacob was correct, I was looking at a life full of meowing companions and dust bunnies galore. I sneezed.

"Aww Bella, my wiggy widdy Ella. You might be sporting a baby pooch, but I would make you scream DJ Sethy Diddy!"

I was going to kill Seth Clearwater. He made Jacob seem normal.

"Shut up. Now." I pinched him on the arm.

He started making odd movements that appeared that he was having a seizure in slow motion. He sang, "I'll be your baby daddy! I'll be your baby daddy!"

"She will rip off your head, Seth!" Jacob looked panicked.

"Leave Edward for me, baby!" Seth cried. He wore fake gold chains. I wasn't sure what annoyed me more, his words or those gold painted pieces of metal.

I grabbed his ear and pulled him towards the ground. "Should I call my kid or should I maim you? Your pick, you annoying piece of shi—"

Jacob pulled me away. "If you kill Seth, how can you meet grandma? She'll be the key to your book!"

I was going to get Rachel Black to work with me on my book. She had all the old ancient stories and folklore about the Forks inhabitants. I needed them. Every last one. She tells me the stories, we write them up and I draw the pictures to sell to millions of people. Old lady Black gets extra cat food money and I get funds to support my family. It should work perfectly, because we're two, crusty peas in a pod.

"Get in here, boy!" The old woman screeched from a nearby room.

Jacob was trembling as he called out, "Coming, Meemaw!"

"Put on your big boy pants, Jake!" I had to push him a little to get him to move. It appeared that his feet were cemented to the floor.

He looked at me with wide eyes. "I don't know who scares me more! You're mean and so is she!"

"Bella has a better ass," Seth pointed out. I stepped on his foot. "I like it rough!"

I looked at Jacob. "Do something about him. Now."

"Aww girl! I just be playin'!" He started moonwalking around the floor like one of those old time Michael Jackson videos.

Jacob pushed that gyrating nincompoop into a room. He looked at me with a grin. "Throwing him to the gray haired wolf. It's every man and angry woman for themselves."

I'll have to admit, I'm warming up to the guy.

It didn't faze Seth in the least. He threw both hands up and strutted in like a drunk peacock. "Sexy Grammy B! Your little Seth Muffin is here to rub your bunions! Come give me some sugar, Grammy Hot Stuff!"

"What's wrong with him?" I asked Jacob.

Jacob shrugged. "Dad said he was dropped on his head when he was a baby."

That made perfect sense.

"Jacob Black! Why did you bring this moron here?" An elderly woman with her snow white hair twisted up in curlers shuffled out with her walker. The muumuu she wore was decorated in giant, magenta polka dots. "I'm surprised Harry hasn't locked him up in a cage to protect the populace from his idiocy. Actually, I'm not surprised at all. Harry isn't the brightest boy either. It's all the inbreeding."

She gave a wink. Mrs. Black was a feisty one.

"He followed me, Meemaw," Jacob squeaked.

Seth reclined on the couch. His feet rested on the plastic cover. He said with a smirk, "Don't be hatin', Granny B! I can be your house boy and you can bake me cookies."

She shuffled over, grabbed a rolled up newspaper and proceeded to whack him on the head with it. "Get your feet off my couch, you nasty flea! I knew you father married his cousin, but I thought you'd have at least an inkling of a brain."

She just kept hitting him, as he cried.

Jacob started to go over to stop it, but I held him back. "Just a couple more hits, Jake. It's hilarious."

"Cool," he replied.

Approximately two minutes later, Mrs. Black turned to me. "You the Swan girl? Charlie's kid?"

"Yes."

"I've heard stories about you." She narrowed her eyes at me.

I nodded. "They are undoubtedly true."

"You're pregnant? What Charlie think about his daughter being an unwed, teenage mother?" She looked at me with a smirk.

She was a delightful, old bat.

"Meemaw! That's not okay!" Jacob exclaimed.

"It's fine, Jake." I looked at her. "Chief Charlie is good with it. I'm a married, teenage mother after all. Do you ever clean the litter boxes around here? The sweet smell of litter and cat urine is upsetting my spawn."

I patted my belly for emphasis.

"Jacob, clean the boxes!" Mrs. Black demanded.

"Meemaw!" Jacob looked ill, but she shot him a look and he shuffled out of the room.

Mrs. Black hit Seth again. "Get helping, gnat!"

"Can I have a cookie?" Seth was a special breed of oblivious.

"Go!" She hit him again and he scurried out. "Now young lady, what are you planning on using me for?"

"I'm going to make us rich, Mrs. Black." I gave her a grin.

"Enough so I can move to Florida?"

"Enough that you can even bring your cats," I added.

"I like you, girl." She appraised me. "This might be the start of a beautiful friendship."

I couldn't agree more.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Hi gang.**

Chapter 8 (EPOV)

"I can't believe you're actually threatened by an elderly cat lady with a mean streak, _Edward_!"

When Bella called me Edward, it was bad. Very bad.

The fact that I was yelling back at her was even more disturbing. Why couldn't she understand? "You need to rest, Bella! It is silly for you to sit in her drafty house and work!"

Dinner was supposed to be lovely. I made it for her and was just going to gently approach her about staying home. She could draw pretty pictures and watch TV. Things she loved to do. Instead, we sat at the kitchen table shooting daggers at each other. It was our first real fight. We were grownups now. I loved us even in our screaming.

"Recording an old bat's musings about the olden days and drinking up her Sprite is easy!" She threw a meatball sub at me. Sauce and meat slid down my favorite sweater. It was green cashmere! It was from mother! Bella interrupted my internal panic attack. "I'm in the first trimester, _Edward_! We Swans are made of strong stuff! Don't you worry about me and the spawn. You should worry about the rest of the world when the kid and I take over!"

She was frightening and sexy in her anger. I was certain she wouldn't be having sex with me though.

"There's cat litter in that house!" I screamed and imagined the dreaded cat litter infecting our child. I stood and grabbed a paper towel from the counter. The paper towel was highly lacking at sauce removal.

"I'm not scooping it! I make Jacob do it! That's his job! Seth's job is rubbing Rachel's bunions!"

She gave her death glare.

I wondered if she would let me kiss her angry face away? Bella would probably hurt me first with her angry words.

"You don't have to work! The money I made off the business—"

She threw a handful of chips on the floor and stomped on them. I hated that. "Selling swords to nerds so they accidentally poke their eyes out? I like making money to support you and Damon! You're my family and I want to take care of you both! I love you, Kid!"

"Oh Bella, I love you too!" I went to hold her and stopped. "Damon?"

"Yes."

"Like that guy on the vampire show?" I hated that snarky guy. Bella always looked at the screen with a weird smile on her face when he was on.

She shook her head. "The Omen."

"Bella!" I clutched my hair in frustration. "We are not naming our sweet child after the devil. Also, we could have a girl!"

"Technically, it was the devil's son," she huffed. "I think. Anyway, I think it's a valiant name worthy of the strong Swans and the creative Cullens."

"Oh sweethe—" I began, but stopped when I heard a noise. It was a tiny mew. "Bella? You didn't!"

A small kitten noise was heard from the guest room. I rushed over and a little, orange fur ball stumbled out. It looked at me with big eyes. "Did you bring it home from Mrs. Black's house?"

"Yes. Mr. Bojangles was being bullied by his sisters!" She actually looked sheepish.

I wasn't feeling generous. "The litter box?"

"Jacob. Rachel made him my slave." Her mouth quivered.

"This isn't cool, Bella!"

That's when she cried. Big tears fell from her eyes and she began to wail. It was hard to understand. Something about babies and cats.

That's when it hit me. My girl was a hormonal mess. I hugged her tight. "We'll keep the kitten. I always imagined you would talk me into having a zoo."

She hugged me tighter. "Thank you, Kid."

All was right with the world.

"I'll come with you to Mrs. Black's. I'm sure she needs some cleaning done or things repaired." I would do anything for Bella, even suffer the taunts of Mrs. Black.

Bella wiped her tears on my filthy sweater. Then pulled it over my head. I asked in confusion, "What?"

"I'm going to have sex with you on the kitchen table!" She sniffed. "Get naked."

I fumbled with my pants, as Bella pushed me down on the still covered table. Glasses crashed to the floor and my back was squishy from the food. She scrambled up with her pants off and demanded, "Make me scream, Kid!"

So I did. It was pretty amazing.

Except for the food stuck in unpleasant places. That was just really gross.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Happy Birthday, Alice's White Rabbit (Sally)! Enjoy! This is for you!**

Chapter 9

Teeny Tiny Dictator was going to find herself buried in a shallow grave if she didn't watch herself. "You just need to give it a try, Bella."

I had the perfect place in the woods. It was remote and no one would ever wander that far out due to the coyotes that were spotted there.

"It's going to help with your anger problems," she stated, as she continued to text Cheech. Dictator giggled. "He's adorable!"

I'm sure he was regaling her with tales of trying to figure out how to use vending machines for munchies and how invigorating it is to listen to two hour long Phish guitar solos.

"Does this lady even know how to do prenatal yoga?" I was praying no. The only stretching I liked to do was to grab chips off the highest shelf in the pantry.

"I did it when I was pregnant with my princess," Trailer pointed out. "It was very relaxing."

I looked at the old store front that was next to the Forks Dollar Emporium. The windows were covered in fluorescent yellow and pink peace signs.

No.

They each took an arm and dragged me into the den of awkward positions and heavy breathing. I looked around in horror at all the silk pillows and oriental rugs that were near the yoga mats. The colors were a dizzying array of patterns and bright colors. All the gold made me feel like I was an extra in a Bollywood movie. Were we all supposed to burst out into song?

The place reeked of incense and I began to gag. It was disgusting. The spawn didn't like this place one bit. I was certain my little monster would make me pay later. There would be an indigestion revolt later.

"I should leave to vomit in an alley. Then I'll go home and reload with the food this bump enjoys. Things like chips and cheeseburgers." I started to leave and was pulled back by Dictator's tiny chicken arms.

"Sally has pita chips, hummus and veggies to snack on. Also you need to hydrate more. I can see you looking paler by the minute," Dictator pointed out. Of course, I was looking pale. This place stunk. She pulled away my water bottle and opened it up to smell it. "Oh my God! Bella, this is fruit punch!"

"It's fruit." I wondered if I could trip her and run. There were so many pillows to break her fall that I wouldn't feel bad.

"It's sugar!" She handed me a water bottle instead. "Drink this!"

We began to glare at each other. There was going to be a yoga studio rumble and Dictator was going down.

"Please don't embarrass me in front of Mistress Sansa! She promised me some cleansing crystals for the trailer! They will cleanse Emmett's aura that is stinking up our home!" Trailer begged.

"A shower, toothpaste and some air fresheners would do the trick," I suggested. Then it hit me. "I thought her name is Sally. Why are we calling her a name from the_ Game of Thrones_?"

My knowledge of that show was completely my kid's fault.

"It's her special yoga name. She's a true genius!" There were stars in Trailer's eyes.

Dictator added, "I want her to teach me all her magical ways! Do you think I can be her apprentice?"

They were inhaling way too much incense. It was making their brains turn to mush.

A high pitched voice rang out. It sounded like Minnie Mouse had sucked all the helium out is a balloon. "Rosalie and Alice! Namaste! Has this glorious day brought you clarity and serenity?"

Maybe for my two crazy friends, but this lady was giving me a headache with the sounds coming from her mouth. I thought I could hear dogs howling in the distance from her squeaking. It was probably hurting their poor doggy ears.

The woman was wearing a robe of many colors and it reminded me of my mother's obsession with the soundtrack to _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_ one summer when I had to visit her. It was hell. Strike one.

"You must be the sweet mommy! You and your darling baby have an aura of—" She placed her hands on my belly and cringed. "Black! How is your aura so black?"

Strike two. I moved away from her cold hands and a hiss escaped from me.

"Alice, get the cleansing candles! The ones that smell like the musk of the docile doe nibbling in the meadow! Rosalie, grab my hot stones! This poor child's karma is poisoned!" She was flapping her arms like a bird.

"Listen up, Sally—" I began.

"It's Sansa."

"Whatever." I took the candle that Alice had handed her and broke it in half. "No more stinky things. My aura is one of toughness and barely contained rage. My happy place, so back off."

She regarded me and with a squeak, "All vegetarian diet. No cheese!"

I let out a mighty scream. Now that was a great stress release.

My kid rushed in with a yoga bag. He dropped it to the floor. "Bella! Honey, what's wrong?"

"I'm going to strangle the yoga instructor. I believe it will ease all my tension." I tapped my kid's nose. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought we could learn some new positions." Kid wiggled his eyebrows. "The kinky kinds."

I looked at Sally with a hard stare. "You can teach the karma sutra? Change it around for a pregnant lady?"

She smiled. "I can teach you moves that will make your inner goddess glow."

"Fine. I will learn these moves and add hummus to my diet. Maybe cucumbers too. Now turn up the heat in this place." I was the perfect student. I turned to my kid. "Take off the shirt, Edward."

"Is this a good or bad Edward?" He smartly asked.

"Very good." I gave him a smile. He took off his shirt and in the odd mix of candle and florescent lighting I saw it. I was surprised I hadn't noticed before. "Kid, you have a little belly."

He looked down and cried, "I'm putting on sympathy pregnancy weight! No!"

It was hilarious.


End file.
